I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
