I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
