sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
