Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize