community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
