Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
