im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My bed smells like the plague
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
