Got a toothbrush?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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