I cannot find my penis.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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