the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
