I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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