This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
