Michael Bay diarrhea
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
In America we eat man semen.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
