That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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