I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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