I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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