Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
