i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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