Already got asked if we're dating
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
