Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
