the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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