My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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