make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
