If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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