My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
