Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize