I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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