and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
