I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
