she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
