feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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