shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
