It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
