I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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