Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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