Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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