farters have to be the big spoon...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
