those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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