I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
