You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
