I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize