smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
