I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
