No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you had me at cake vodka
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
