I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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