high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize