Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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