I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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