He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
