My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
