Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
