Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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