a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
