He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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