By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
