I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
