My friends, they love my intelligence
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
