All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
