drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
