You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
