my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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