I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
