Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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