After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize