don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
