I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
